


A Tendency to Waver

by HeavensStorywriter



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Confusion, Hurt, prose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 05:36:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5615803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavensStorywriter/pseuds/HeavensStorywriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A drabble I thought of for Kylo Ren. A snapshot of the pain and confusion inside of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Tendency to Waver

Shifting. For him, the world was always shifting. 

He awoke again, drenched in sweat. Angry and embarrassed, he threw the covers aside and set out to start his day. His hand kept twitching the entire time and he didn’t know why. A side effect of being unskilled, he thought bitterly to himself. He tried to breathe evenly, but even that came out in altering motions. He gritted his teeth and threw on the robe over his suit, glaring into the small darkness that was his room. Ren was offered a larger room but he denied it, snarling that he was above such grand accommodations. He didn’t dare tell anyone that large spaces made him uncomfortable. Too many unforeseen possibilities could occur. A small dark room fit in perfectly. He could control whatever happened. Except for his nightmares, but that was something different, he assured himself. Perhaps just a side effect of the training. 

Thinking of his training made him shiver. Ren tried to hone his thoughts and feelings so Supreme Leader Snoke would not know about the nightmares. Ren knew he shouldn’t overlook why he would wake almost screaming in the night. He managed to steel himself lest the troops heard. Snoke always stressed that an individual’s greatest weakness lied in themselves. Ren lashed out and punched the wall, the thud impacting the silence. He hated feeling weak. No, even more than that. He hated weakness itself. He tried regulating his breathing again. What was it that Snoke said he had to remember? Patience? Yes, patience. Such a flimsy thing, always needing to be strengthened. It made Ren even angrier. So many inner components in him that he couldn’t control. 

He donned his helmet and immediately he felt himself relax into a state of confidence, his breathing returning to normal. He curled his hands into fists, summoning his inner strength from the anger burning inside of him. Patience could wait. 

Kylo Ren almost lashed out once more, this time with his weapon in his hand, but he stopped himself. This was his room, he couldn’t lose control in here lest he destroy something of value. His eyes darted to the side where one of his precious, if not his most precious, possession lied. His grandfather’s mask. He breathed deeply, hooking the saber to his side, and striding out the door. 

  


Patience. That’s what Snoke wanted him to work on today. Ren’s eyebrows narrowed and he wondered to himself how anger and patience could coexist in a person, but he dared not speak it aloud. Lately, the Supreme Leader was favoring Hux’s work ethic over Ren’s, or so Ren would think. Snoke coddled Ren with praise though when no one was present, which made him feel bitterly special. Why didn’t Snoke parade his importance to everyone on Starkiller Base? Why was Hux given the opportunity to leave the room feeling smug? Ren gritted his teeth and his hands shook at his side. Why was patience so important when all it did was make one weak? The thoughts swarmed inside Kylo Ren like a flock of angry ravens. To speak these thoughts would be weakness, he knew that for certain. He couldn’t be weak, he wouldn’t allow himself. Not like his father, the scum. Ren’s hand twitched and he knew he had to leave Snoke’s presence. The taste of copper in his mouth made him frown. He had to be careful with the Force or it would cause him unnecessary injury. That’s what the patience was for, he reminded himself. But how could someone stop being angry? How could one person hold back the ocean? 

  


Some days Kylo Ren would dream of desolation. However, he would feel troubled in his dream. He wanted to scream out in pain though he was devoid of injury. The dreams were like badlands: endless, harsh, and unforgiving. That was the place Ren returned to each night when he slept. The horrid loneliness of that place with nothing to create, nothing to live for. He would feel this when he was awake as well, like a curtain keeping him from reality. He would cast a glare out at the frozen world the Base was located on for it was like the badlands of his dreams. Or were they nightmares? Did he not dream to ruin everything until there was nothing left? No, he wanted to lift up the Empire, to make it his. Like his grandfather, he would remind himself. But the world was unforgiving, his thoughts were painful, his essence was lonely, and he was filled with so much rage. His hands started to shake and he curled them into fists to cease the weak motion. 

  


There were days when the chill spread through him like an unwanted intruder on his body. He felt violated with how it made him feel, how it sunk into his body, into his spirit, twisting what he was. Some days he asked himself what was he? What had he become? Was he strong? Powerful? Unforgiving? The chill had made it’s way onto him countless intrusive times that Kylo Ren has no choice but to accept it, emulate it. This aching cold, this cacophonous pain within his spirit. He would rather die than let it get the better of him. He felt on the verge of death at times when the chill would get a firm grasp on him, when he wasn’t aware it was there until it was too late. One minute he was controlled, focused, waiting to bark orders if need be. The next, he wanted to die. He wanted the chill to spread entirely over him and for him to succumb to it’s depth, far gone from the world. Far gone from himself. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, not even to himself, but in times when the chill got as vicious as that, he would think of his mother. The light, that’s what Snoke called it. He hated himself for it, he raged at everything around him, but he raged most at his weakness for the light. Patience, and anger, light, and dark. He found his soul craving the small darkness of his room, but even there he wasn’t safe from himself. 

Everything was always shifting. For him, the world was always shifting. 

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy, this was kind of hard to write.  
> I love his character though and I wanted to try writing something small from his perspective.  
> Kylo Ren ended up being slightly more angsty and hurt than I thought. I was not prepared to be in his headspace when I wrote this. Jesus, someone hug that kid. His character is complex and interesting and I can't wait to see more of his journey.


End file.
